This job isn't that tough or This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things! Part 2

One thing I truly hate at work is being treated like an idiot.  A lot of coppers have college degrees, worked a number of years in the military doing sophisticated jobs and are quite adroit at policework.  However, once in a while (seemingly too often lately) someone fucks it up for everyone, and I have no choice but to say to myself, "This is why we can't have nice things."

In roll call this morning, the watch commander said, "Be sure if a sports team is close to winning a World Series or an NBA championship or anything, that you're prepared with your helmet and baton.  If they call you to form up downtown to quell a riot, you shouldn't have to go back to the station.  Don't be like two officers who not only had to come back to the station to get their gear - but went through the drive thru somewhere.  Not only that, but they then were in the break room munching down.  Who do you think walked by?  The Captain!  Yes, he did.  Not only did he rip those officers, but he lit into the watch commander.  And as they say, shit rolls down hill."

Ok, I'm thinking to myself, "This job is not tough.  It isn't the Marines where they give you some food, some ammo, tell you where to stand you're expected to do it until they have somewhere else to put you - if that's minutes, hours or days from now.  This is police work, it's really quite easy after you're properly trained."  What I said out loud in roll call was,

This is why we can't have nice things.

I got a lot of laughs - I said it as a joke, but it's true.  One idiot ruins it for everyone all to often on this job.

I mean if you like yourself and your supervisor, why would you put yourself and your watch commander through any of this?  Wait - even if you fucking hated your supervisor (and he you), why would you do something that would call attention to yourself in a negative light?  If you truly fucking hated your supervisor, being completely inept and lame would not help your working relationship.  By being incompetent, you have now given this hated superior the go ahead to make your life difficult.

National Donut Day

Since I can remember I have loved donuts.  Homer Simpson's got nothing on me.  That being said, today was National Donut Day.  I have never, and will never be caught purchasing or consuming a donut in uniform though.  Sorry - I won't be that copper, the one who proves the dumbass stereotype forever.  With the internet, camera phones and twitpics - a pic of me stuffing my face with a donut would be everywhere faster than you could say Krispy Kreme!  I forget to get a donut before work, so this left me with quite the dilemma.  I had to find a place after work.  Good luck when work ends at 9pm!  I really wanted to get a "deluxe" donut, with chocolate chips on the inside, with chocolate frosting on the outside, topped with chocolate chips.  My goodness, I'm salivating just typing that out.  In any event, I went to two places near work and all they were left with at 9:30 was the scraps for the day before they closed.  Hope was not lost!  The place near my house had a few chocolate raised, I purchased one.  Before I did, I clearly said to the lady, "Did you know it's National Donut Day?"

She replied, "What?"  I repeated the above, and she replied shortly, "Yea - I knou dat." in a sharp, broken English (I'm going to take a wild stab in the dark and say her first language was Cambodian - or Khmer to be precise).  Some stereotypes survive for a reason.  The rude foreign food server prevails!

This is why we can't have nice things!

At the beginning of the year I went to the pistol range to qualify with my duty pistol - something I've done since I was in the Police Academy with regularity.  This time it was different.  This time I had to present my police identification.  Then the range officer saw my ID, scanned it with an infrared scanner and told me which lane I would shoot from.  I knew exactly what this change meant.

It meant some fucking slapdick asswipe with no personal or professional integrity posed as his buddy and qualified for him.  Sometimes police officers are their own worst enemies.  Coppers get a ton of fringe benefits.  But being untrustworthy is precisely why we can't have nice things!

I'm just waiting for some slick defense attorney to bring this up during the next big trial.  Great defense attorneys are masters at planting doubt.  The next time a retired running back with bad knees stabs his ex-wife ... I can see it now, "Is it true you and your brother AND sister officers can't even be counted on to be truthful when qualifying at the pistol range!?  Is it not true you have to present your police ID because of integrity issues in the past?"  You don't think that'll plant some doubt?

A voicemail no parent wants to get

Good afternoon, sir.  This is Officer Twenty Two of the Big City Police Department.  This is regarding your (3 year old) daughter.  It's very important you call us back as soon as you get this.  I can be reached at 212.555.1212.

I left that message to some poor father's voicemail several days ago.  If I ever received that voice message I just might crap myself on the spot.

Something you ought to know; as far as the father I was attempting to contact knew, his daughter was safe and sound some ten miles away in a sleepy bedroom community, at day care.  Little did he know his precious little girl was accompanying one of the day care providers to their doctor's appointment in the Big City.

It started for me with a radio call of a "found juvenile" in our division.  A young lady was waiting for the bus at a bus stop when she saw a little girl crying and running around.  After taking five minutes to calm the little lost girl down she got her name and that was about it.  So the young lady called the police, we arrived and we were in the process of getting a child safety seat to safely take this little girl to the police station and put her in protective custody while we attempted to find any of her legal guardians.  To make a long story short, the head of her day care showed up after about ten minutes.  She had lost the little girl when she had to use the bathroom at her doctor (?).  So after speaking with the child's father and getting his permission, we released the little girl to her day care giver and went on our way.

If you can't say anything nice, STFU!

I'm so bad at HTML, I can't embed youtube, so click here to view the video.

Good grief, I'm sorry you saw that.  But it was necessary - without it, what I write below makes no sense.  Alright, a little background here: a little birdie told me this character is a current police officer.

I'll get right to the point, what you see above is an incredibly hacky, hard to sit through four minute comedy routine.  This cat's routine up until the :30 mark is strained and not really very good, but overall harmless.  He starts the video by making the point that he's a former Los Angeles Police Officer.  He makes some dumb, unoriginal, really and truly unfunny lines (my favorite was how he doesn't look good in a mustache.  HILARIOUS, he'll be on the Tonight Show within a month!) about why he didn't fit in as a Los Angeles Police Officer.  What really kills me is at the :30 mark he says - in the context of why being a police officer wasn't his style - "I like black people."  This line is completely offensive on two fronts: it isn't funny and it's completely disrespectful of fellow coppers by pandering to an unfair and vicious stereotype!

What.  The.  Fuck!?
Oh wait, I get it.  LAPD Officers are all racists!  Hah!  HAHAHAHA!  Five seconds later he makes some crack about black people having bad credit.  So I get it, he's lazy, unfunny and a total hack comic.

Way to throw more than 9,000 of your brother and sister officers right under the bus for a cheap laugh at some stupid fucking comedy club, asshole!  Seriously!?  This is what you say to an audience, then you videotape it and put it on Youtube for the world to see!?  You could make any number of original and funny observations about being a police officer in Los Angeles.  The entire world is dying to know just what it is like to police such a crazy place as LA.  People dream of what it must be like to fight crime in one of the most unique and diverse cities on the planet.  Many former LAPD officers have lead productive lives as writers and actors drawing on their rich experiences from behind the thin blue line.  There are only a select few people who can say they have been LAPD Officers for at least seven years - and your pearl of wisdom, your awesomely original take on being a big city cop is this!?

This video was posted three years ago.  In that time, I know of six LAPD officers who have died in the line of duty, and a little over a dozen who have gotten seriously hurt.  Of the ones who are no longer with us, one was White, one Asian, three Chicano and one Black.  These six and the countless thousands who serve the City of Los Angeles and have served it are all sickened by this clown.

Joe Rogan, who has never worn a badge once included a line in a joke about how, "cops are all 'roided out" and frequently beat the shit out of "kids" due to 'roid rage at one of his shows at the Comedy Store in Hollywood.  Afterwards, a young police officer sought him out after the show and said to Joe:

"Thanks so much.  I needed this a lot.  I work for LAPD, and we lost one last week, and buried him a day ago.  He was working Newton Division in South LA, and he got shot.  I really, really needed to laugh and you killed me."

The entire time, Joe cringed.  Joe's reply was, "Oh no man ... Ahhhh... I am so sorry for you, man ... "  Joe Rogan truly felt bad upon hearing this.  Joe Rogan.  Joe Rogan, the goofy, marijuana obsessed host of a completely absurd game show, Fear Factor, felt bad about telling a joke at the police's expense.

Way to go pal.  You officially have poorer judgement and scruples than a goofball pothead.